What everyone should know about SCRUM

Because neo-communist slavery practices, such as the world-famous SCRUM “methodology”, are so pervasive in our modern workplaces, I thought I would share with you a couple of slogans and handy battle cries, to aid you in your daily struggle to mentally and physically eradicate it from your life.

Thank me later!

  • Scrum is scum
  • I hate scrum
  • Don’t ask me about scrum
  • Keep calm and don’t scrum
  • Rule 1 of scrum: don’t scrum
  • Only algorithm required to know for scrum: While true, don’t scrum
  • Scrum (n): waste of time
  • Confucius says, “Don’t scrum”
  • “Don’t scrum” – Stephen Hawking, 2000
  • “Scrum saves lives” – Satan, 1666
  • Scrum kills
  • Warning: Scrum leads to Cancer
  • In space (or any successful project), no one can hear you scrum

Editor’s Rant: The main concern about SCRUM is that it is a tool to dominate and control people. It’s about a primitive need for a strong organism to dominate a weaker one. However, in a world that has individuals who are in possession of a neocortex, and are able to think for themselves, it is no longer necessary for those in power to employ such primordial practices, in order to control the uneducated masses. SCRUM is a religion, and like all religions, it is politically incorrect to question it, since its adherents and masters use it as a justification to enforce their dominance, and smite the unbelievers.

And, before you think you know the whole story – no. It’s not about some anonymous, passive-aggressive employee, wanting to bad-mouth and bash their employer or a specific colleague online, behind their backs, because they do not have the guts to do so openly or in front of them.

I am not trying to bash or bad-mouth my company or a colleague online, behind their backs, because I do not work for anyone or with anyone, let alone a company that does SCRUM.

It’s also not that I’m just a poor little misfit, failing to fit in and wanting to blame it on everyone else but myself and my own bad choices in life, and therefore I will now go live in the woods like the Unabomber and shun all of society and technology, or about wanting to warn everyone about the error of their ways and how they face impending doom, or about being a sociopathic troublemaker, or about being radical, or wanting to incite anarchy and rebellion, or wanting to see the world burn. Down with the system! No. It’s not about that at all, even though it looks like precisely that, on the surface.

It’s not about forcing an argument along the lines of “just because SCRUM says it’s right, that doesn’t make it right”. Or “SCRUM is the status quo, and the establishment is always flawed, therefore SCRUM must be flawed”. Or “accepted norms are always put in place by those who wish to abuse their power, which by default, makes SCRUM wrong”. No no no. It’s not that either. Neither is it a sinister plot of mine, like a Ponzi scheme or the stock market, about me wanting to replace something that “works” (SCRUM and stock markets, supposedly) with something that doesn’t, but seems like it would, and only I know about its flaws therefore I would secretly control it now.

But wait! This blog is absolute nonsense and completely meaningless! And I can prove it! What about all that research and best practices which prove that SCRUM is the best option for workplace management? A quick Google search would clearly show you just how large the tip of the SCRUM research iceberg is. Yes, the research! I must be naive, or better yet, retarded, because how on earth could I not consider all that research? Wow, what an idiot. So, that means SCRUM must be justified! I mean, there is no way all that liberal research could be biased in favor of multi-million dollar companies! No way! That’s just preposterous! SCRUM is definitely good, and it is so on its own merits.

Think about who reaps the benefits of SCRUM, and who has to toil under it. Think about it.

I’m sure many SCRUM practitioners do not want to hurt anyone, they just have a deep desire to make sure that order is maintained, because a) it’s part of their job, or b) their job is on the line, or c) the company’s future is at stake, should results not be delivered by the SCRUM team(s). Anyone can understand that, and have sympathy with such reasoning. SCRUM is a necessary evil to keep the bread on the table. And SCRUM might just be one of many methods a practitioner could be using, to do their job. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to feed your family.

The problem with SCRUM is that SCRUM is morally and ethically wrong. Why is evil, evil? Doesn’t it make SCRUM good, and you evil, if you call SCRUM evil? It’s a bit like trying to hold water or jelly. You put your finger on exactly why SCRUM is wrong, because as soon as you see through SCRUM and put your finger on it, it slips through your metaphorical fingers, takes on a different form, and explains itself away, or tries to confuse you by twisting the facts, and by saying that others “just don’t get SCRUM”. SCRUM will intimidate you, call you names, belittle you, and blackmail you with fear and stress. SCRUM eschews honesty and individual hard work, and embraces slipperiness, blame-shifting, excuses, and hiding behind red tape and in dark corners, like a psychopath.

SCRUM is like a leech, a parasite, a virus, that has been allowed to grow, and it now has its overgrown leeching tentacles latched firmly onto the corporate mentality. SCRUM is in control now, the reason for SCRUM’s existence is for its own existence, and no one shall dare to defy it. People don’t even know why it exists anymore, and they are too afraid to ask, lest anyone should find out that they are not a true believer in the parasite master.

It’s not about “my way or the highway”. It’s about “the correct way or the highway”.

It is about freedom versus control. Logic versus fear. Progress versus stagnation. Life versus death.

SCRUM, just go away.

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